Wednesday I went to court. They granted the divorce. Even though I wanted it, I was surprisingly sad after it was over. Sitting in the hallway of our little courthouse with all the local thugs going to drug court. Actually that was the fun part. Listening to them and all their problems. Watching lawyers looking for clients they had never met. Chatting with a woman who had three kids and no support. Then there was the woman inside the court room that went off on her soon-to-be ex-husband about his affair and the judge had to ask her to leave. Now that was pure entertainment. ….. I digress.
Our courthouse is very small. I was already there when T.H. walked in. The only available seat was right next to me. I scooted over so he would have room. He chose to stand against the wall instead. Not speaking, no eye contact. He passed just 5 feet from me. After it was over, the whole scene made me very, very sad. That was the way we lived for the past two years. Him in silent scorn and me trying to make room.
I’ve brooded for two days. Kept myself physically and emotionally tired. I’ve walked, worked, and ……
I’ve mowed.
We mow a lot around here.
Meet Ol’ Blue. My trusty steed.
My friend said it looks like they retired the Bucking Bull from Gilley’s and re-purposed it into a mower.
I don’t disagree.
I do my best inner work on that mower. Ear plugs in, it’s like a meditative “OMMmmmm”.
Ol’ Blue has fed my soul this spring. We’ve had a lot of rain.
When Jack Canfield comes out with a new book, “Mowing, Chicken Soup for the Soul” © you will know he stole it from me.
Also good for the soul ……. Messing with your dog and a turtle at the same time on your newly mowed lawn.
One thing I know for sure in life today. When the feelings come, I have to feel them. Sadness, joy, anger, fear. I have to feel them as raw or refined as they appear. I don’t have the luxury of stuffing or sedating them with a substance or person anymore. I feel them. Own them. Then they pass through me. And for me, that is the trail to freedom.
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All that from the back of a mower.
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Love, Cowgirl Red aka Terah
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P.S. Happy Trails Ya’ll !
Been there, done that, Terah! I really like the part where you say the feelings have to go through you. A very unique outlook on that, and so valuable. No substance, no person, just washing through you. I love that!
Thanks Cherie! And thanks for reading and commenting on my blog. xoxox!
I guess I really need to mow more…….LOL! Maybe get this all figured out.
haha Laura, I know how much you mow, …… maybe we should figure out something else for you. xoxoxo!
Great insight! Each day is new. So glad you are on the road to recovery!
Thanks Jan!
So true! I did the same thing after I had endured a couple break-ups and learned to just dive in and really, truly feel it so I could let it go (or let it pass through me, as you said). Even when you know it is for the best, you have a right to mourn the loss of what you thought you had or wished you had. When I didn’t allow myself to feel and react and just plain hurt (or tried not to) all it did was drag it out over a much longer time. I say–shut yourself in a room to bawl, scream, pout, puzzle…or ride a mower…just feeling it all and allowing it to be is a cleansing thing for the soul. Good for you, Terah!
Sounds like the courthouse was quite an interesting place to wait and people watch. It is always amazing. And makes you realize that it could be worse. 😉 Keep on truckin’, lady!! *big hugs*
Yes, Rita. Spend a morning sitting outside any courtroom in America and I would imaging a person would think….. Wow I don’t really have any problems. XOXOXO!!
Wow! I used to do something like this, well sort of. I would often find myself mowing the yard after getting exceptionally mad at my first wife. I had neighbors tell, “Man, you sure are intense when you mow, and it appears you are talking to yourself.” I finally fessed up to one of them, “No, I’m cussing her out! The mower just covers the sound.” So, cussing, meditation … semantics. There’s just something therapeutic about mowing.
From someone who has been there a couple of times… BIG hugs. I am so glad you have the support of friends and a purpose. Gotta keep that long lawn mown, dogs exercised and entertained, as well as the horses. Hang in there girl.
Thanks Lisa! I so appreciate your comments and that you faithfully read my blog. oxoxoxo!