Cowgirl Down, Part 1

Cowgirl  Down

Dear Cowgirls,

I just read my last post from March 2. Wow! 4 Months ago. What a ride this has been.  Not too long after that last post, I had what I thought was a mental and physical break down.  I felt like I was broken in two. Now I know what it was. Lyme Disease. Borrelia.  Borreliosis.  The stealthy bastard.

Here’s my story, Part 1.  Brief as I can make it.

July 2016: I’ve had chronic pain issues for a long time, but it was somewhat manageable. I didn’t talk about it much. Most people my age and stage in life have pain.  But now it was becoming unbearable. I felt like my body was under siege. But this was getting to be debilitating. Migrating pain. Feet, legs, back, neck, shoulders, hands. But it would come and go. I finally “hollered whoa”  made an appointment with a doc in town. My regular doc was out on maternity leave so I saw her associate.

August 2016:  I told him my symptoms. That my body was under siege. Pain all over. I couldn’t say whether it was muscular, skeletal, or nerve. I asked about Lyme disease. Everyone who lives this cowgirl-life gets tick bites. I was embarrassed to tell him that I had googled my symptoms on WebMD and that’s what came up. He dismissed that and ordered blood work for things like lupus and MS etc. He asked me if I was depressed. Of course I was. Then he told me that depression causes pain and changed my prescription from Sertraline(Zoloft) to Cymbalta effective immediately.  He did not ask for a follow-up unless I didn’t feel better. He thought I was overweight (I was) and some weight loss would help. I got a call from the nurse a week later that my blood work was all normal. I started the Cymbalta. What a mind-F*ck that was. I wanted it to work. I thought the pain was improving and it did for a while. The side effects from the Cymbalta ( probably Lyme) were horrible. Dizzy, sleep, nightmares, foggy head, tired. I consulted the pharmacist a few times about it. After 3 months he said that was probably as good as it was going to get.

September – December 2016  My pain and anxiety kept getting worse and worse. Add dizziness and brain fog.  I was having dizzy spells, depression and balance issues. I felt like something was seriously wrong but I didn’t tell anyone. I attributed it to the Cymbalta and being overweight. (now I know it was the Lyme)  The pain was moving around. It was in my neck and shoulders, then in my knees and feet, then in my lower back or hands. I was having trouble getting on and off my horse which I need to do to take care of my cattle.  I was getting a weekly massage with no relief. I had good days and bad days. It was confusing.I just toughed it out. I was angry. Anger out of proportion to situations. I was trying to hold it in.

January-March 2017  I still felt like my body was under siege. I could not believe how far I had deteriorated in such a short time. I attributed it to age, weight, being out of shape and depression. I hired a trainer and started working out at the gym 3 times a week. (Oh yes I did!)  I could not believe how hard that was. I was getting more depressed and anxiety ridden. I was not loosing any weight. I knew my thinking was getting to be off.  Searching for words. Forgetting things.  I had debilitating fatigue, anxiety and pain. I thought it was because of the Cymbalta so I asked my pharmacist how to get off of it.  Which I did. I weaned myself off of it over 2 weeks.(I don’t recommend this)  It was horrible. Sweats, nightmares, very dizzy, balance issues. Cymbalta kicked my ass.  Lyme almost did me in. I thought many times how this was not going to be a sustainable way to live. If this was what getting old feels like, then deal me out.

April 7, 2017  After being off the Cymbalta for 2 weeks I had what I thought was a major depressive/anxiety episode. Now I know it was the Lyme.  I felt like it had broken me in two.  Unrelenting, debilitating pain.  Weakness.  Anxiety affecting my ability to function. Anger. I was crying a lot.  I could  not get on or off my horse. Struggling to get up the stairs. Debilitating fatigue. I got in to see another associate  in my Doctors office. I was again re-diagnosed depression. I was started me back on Sertraline (Zoloft). Don’t get me wrong, I was very depressed. I welcomed the return to my old friend, Sertraline.   I specifically asked about Lyme again because of WebMD.  I was told that was “Chasing Unicorns or Zebras”, a metaphor that made no sense to me. My annual pre-scheduled appointment with my regular doc who was back from maternity leave was in two weeks and then we would see how I was doing.

April 27, 2017   My depression was better after 2 weeks back on Sertraline. I told her about the past year. I cried. Debilitating pain, fatigue, dizziness, brain fog, crippling anxiety. I asked about Lyme Disease without reference to Web MD.  Explained my lifestyle. Ranch, livestock, etc. high risk.  She was “all-in” on the Lyme.  She ordered the same panel of blood work I had last August  plus the vector born diseases. She also thought the pain might be from back issues. I agreed to an X-ray and MRI even though I knew I didn’t have back problems.

May 8, 2017  I got a call from the nurse that Lyme test was positive!  Duh! I was actually so relieved. Started 28 days of Doxycyclene. Maybe I wasn’t just old, crazy and lazy after all.  I  finally allowed myself to rest.

May 17, 2017  I had a follow-up appointment for Lyme and depression.  I was feeling better. She tried to educate me on Lyme but, believe me, I already knew more about it than the simplistic CDC handout she gave me. She said if she had a diagnostic code for “Bad Ass” she would use it. (Thank you? I think?)  She said I had some back issues but I would not address them. My back was not, nor has it ever been the problem. I still I didn’t know what their long-term plan for Lyme is. She said it depends on how I feel. After the 28 days of doxy they would just treat the symptoms.

My thoughts now:  Today is July 14, 2017.  A year after first seeking help. I’m still trying to gain some perspective. I took the 28 day course of Doxycylene ending June 5th. I feel much better, but not normal. I don’t know what the Borrelia (Lyme)  has done to my body, but I don’t feel the same. The pain is mostly gone. The fatigue is better, but it is still too much.  The brain fog is gone until I get too tired. I’m not sure about the memory issue.  The dizziness is gone, and my strength is returning. I’m able to saddle and ride my horse easily. Lyme has effected me emotionally as well as physically.

Over the winter and spring, before I knew it was Lyme, when I was in so much physical and emotional pain, my world became pretty small.  I did what I had to do around the ranch to take care of the cattle and that was all I had energy for.  People were distancing themselves. I was getting lectures from family members about my weight, behavior and anger issues.  I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone.  I did not discuss the extent of my pain and anxiety with anyone. Not one soul.  I was trying to tough it out.  I feel traumatized by the whole experience. Hardly anyone noticed how much I was struggling. It wasn’t sustainable. I felt like I couldn’t go on.

I was ignored by the first two doctors I saw. Looking back, with what I  now know about Lyme, I realize that I was symptomatic since before the summer of 2016.  I am angry that the docs didn’t really listen to me. They made me think it was all “in my head”.  I think I was dismissed because of my age, gender and stage of life.  I’m angry at myself for not being a better advocate for myself. I still have a little resentment of some friends and family even though since the Lyme diagnosis they have been more supportive. A counselor told me that telling my story and talking about it will help the healing process.  I have made a conscious choice to educate myself about my health in general and Lyme in particular and to  be a better advocate for myself and others.

This is the end of Part 1.  Stay tuned. Don’t worry, there is a happy ending.

Love Cowgirl-Red   aka  Terah.

P.S.  My purpose in telling this story is to heal myself mentally and physically and to encourage and support others who are on the Lyme journey. Please comment or email me.

** P.S.S.  Cowgirl Down is a take on what the rodeo announcers say when a cowboy gets bucked off a bull or bronc in the arena and get’s knocked out or doesn’t get up. “Cowboy-Down”.